March brings a lot of wonderful things like the start of Spring and the ability to wear shorts again, but it also brings us the day where everyone magically turns Irish ― St. Patrick's Day. It's the one day of the year where green beer isn't considered some kind of "non-compliant with the FDA" travesty, but a necessity. And drinking it at 8 a.m.? Totally acceptable it seems. Everyone dons their green, plastic hats, laughs at funny St. Patrick's Day quotes, and wakes up on March 18 with green-tinged memories. (And maybe some Lucky Charms marshmallows stuck in your hair.)
Yet so many people celebrate it again and again, year after year. What is it about St. Patrick's Day? Is it because it's a valid excuse to drink a large beer and deck yourself out in green, or is it because the Irish spirit is so friendly and fun, that everyone wants to pretend to have the same genes?
Whether you're celebrating St. Patrick's Day just for kicks, or you're really meaning to drink one in honor of the patron Saint of Ireland, these funny St. Patrick's Day quotes are a mood. So pick up some green food coloring, maybe (definitely) stock up on Advil, and enjoy your St. Paddy's day like the responsible adult you are.
The Dad Joke
“Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.” — Daryl Stout
Oh, Holy Day Drinking
"St. Patrick's Day is a holy day for Roman Catholics in Ireland to pray, and a day for drunk people to vomit with their pants down." — Margot Leitman
Consider The Introverts
"Making [St. Patrick's Day] a great day for the Irish, but just an OK day if you're looking for a quiet tavern to talk, read, or have a white wine spritzer." — Jon Stewart
Origin Story
"St. Patrick's Day is named for Saint Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake." ― Conan O'Brien
Big Spender
“It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money!” — St. Patrick’s Day Toast
A Pleasant Surprise?
"Ooh, it's been St. Patrick's Day for hours and I'm still not drunk yet." ― Homer Simpson
OK, Boomer
“We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English.” ― Winston Churchill
It’s That Time Of Year
"Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls, and then you leave the house and things get bad." ― Greg Fitzsimmons
Slainte
"Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold beer and another one!" ― St. Patrick's Day Toast
The Unexpected Crowd
"There’s a rabbi with a shillelagh, there’s a McCormack named Sean. There’s an Indian dude playing bagpipes, there’s a Chinese leprechaun. Nobody’s here from Ireland! Nobody’s here from Ireland, that’s for sure." ― Jimmy Fallon
Happy Holidays
"I come from an Irish Family. St. Patrick's Day was our big holiday. The night before we'd hang up our stockings, and in the morning they'd be full of beer." ― Sean Morey
Not Your Typical Saint
"St. Patrick: one of the few saints whose feast day presents the opportunity to get determinedly whacked and make a fool of oneself all under the guise of acting Irish." ― Charles M. Madigan
Pros & Cons
"Pro: It's an Irish tradition to kiss the Blarney Stone. Con: It's an American tradition to buy a green plastic hat at CVS." ― Jimmy Fallon
Snake Eyes
"Who's this Patrick anyway? The patron saint of liquor distributors? Here's the real truth, he didn't get rid of snakes in Ireland. He just got rid of the ones he was seeing." — Lewis Black
Color Scheme
"Let's drink green beer! Let's do green Jello shots! Where's your St. Patrick's Day spirit?"
"We're drinking green tea." ― How I Met Your Mother
Greetings From Scranton
"It's St. Patrick's Day. Here in Scranton, St. Patty's day is a big deal. It is the closest the Irish will ever have to Christmas." ― The Office
Mic Drop
"Yo, my palms are sweaty, corned beef can’t stand steady, falling on my sweater already, green confetti I’m burping, but on purpose I keep forgettin’ to throw up." ― Jimmy Fallon
Love Language
"Now for most of us, this lusty and raucous celebration means one thing above all else. Gathering with rowdy friends to convivially overindulge in that nectar of the gods, bicarbonate of soda." — Ana Gasteyer and Rachel Dratch, Saturday Night Live
Miracles
“I don’t really know much about Saint Patrick, but judging by the way people honor him, his most famous miracle must’ve been turning nine pints of beer into 10 pints of vomit.” — Trevor Noah
Like V-Day, But Better
“St. Patrick's Day is like Valentine's Day for people who love fun.” — Unknown
Legendary
“It’s not easy being green.” — Kermit the Frog
Try Your Luck
"You gotta try your luck at least once a day, because you could be going around lucky all day and not even know it." — Jimmy Dean
And Even More Dad Jokes
“Bad puns on St. Patrick’s Day don't just shame you, they Seamus all.” — Unknown
And That's That
“I’m respectfully devoting the day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear.” — Unknown
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