My father loved giving gifts to his grandchildren. One Christmas, he gave the following to our 3-year-old son: cowboy boots, a toy rifle, a full model train set (more appropriate for a grown-up hobbyist), a pedal-powered John Deere tractor and wagon, a Tonka dump truck and front loader, and probably some things I’ve forgotten.
It was ludicrous. Especially since we lived overseas in military housing with limited space and would be moving again in a year. We had nowhere to set up the train, the tractor was too hard for my son’s little legs to pedal, and the boots were too big.
If this sounds familiar to you, you may also be struggling with Grandparent Overindulgence. It’s a common condition, based on the comments I get on social media. I post about becoming a new grandparent on Instagram and TikTok as @morethangrand, and I spend a lot of time trying to convince new grandparents to cut back on the gift giving — especially during the holiday season. I know all the arguments for why grandparents should stop overindulging their grandkids, and I share that message a lot.
But now I have a message for parents: Put down the battle flag. Let the grandparents and the kids have their fun.
You can control a lot of things grandparents do with your kids, but you can’t control their online shopping. Can you make your wishes about gifts known? Absolutely. Can you give the grandparents a list of what you’d really like them to get Junior? Of course. Can you explain why it’s important to you that they stick to the list? Sure you can.
Can you stop them from ignoring you and buying your children what they want to buy? No.
So what can you do when the avalanche of holiday gifts threatens to overwhelm you? What do you do when you are faced with something you really don’t want your child to have?
Luckily, basic etiquette has some time-honored guidelines to address unwanted gifts. A simple, “Thank you for your generosity” is the best response. Then, since the gift is now in your possession, you can do anything you want with it. You may not want that noisy, flashing activity center, but someone else is going to be thrilled to get it from your local thrift shop.
Granted, this is easier when your children are too young to register what they got for Christmas. As they get older, it’s not quite so straightforward. Your 5-year-old is unlikely to donate the Barbie Dream House the day after Grandma gave it to her.
Here’s where you need to make a big shift in your perspective: There is value in a grandparent who wants to make your child’s life magical, even if they are doing it in a way you don’t agree with.
My father didn’t end his extravagance with the Christmas my son was 3. He continued to try to grant every wish his grandchildren had, whether it was a complete drum set or a laptop. He reveled in arriving with something he knew I’d never buy, like the biggest Easter basket See’s Candy sold.
It sometimes drove me crazy, but here’s the thing: The inconvenience and frustration that those gifts caused me seems so unimportant when compared to the way they contributed to the happiness of both my children and my father.
My son loved all those gifts, and they didn’t spoil him. He didn’t learn to equate love with material things. He knew my father’s generosity was based in love, so he learned to be generous. He returned my father’s generosity with love and generosity of his own. In the last year of my dad’s life, my teenage son drove over two hours each way to spend time with his grandfather every weekend during his college summer break.
Those visits brought my father so much joy. So did giving gifts. He loved to give his grandchildren things he couldn’t afford to give his own children. He’d had a less-than-happy childhood himself, and showering his grandkids with gifts delighted the little boy in him. Letting my father have that joy was a gift I could give him.
So when the grandparents show up this year with a car filled with gifts you don’t really want your child to have, don’t waste energy being angry or annoyed. Let the grandparents and the kids have their fun.
The best part? If you can embrace that perspective, you’re likely to experience some joy of your own.
DeeDee Moore founded More Than Grand as a way to share inspiration and resources for grandparents who understand the importance of their new role. On the More Than Grand blog and social media, DeeDee creates a bridge from parent to grandparent, covering topics such as concrete ways to help new parents, understanding new trends in child care, and meaningful ways to connect with your grandchildren. Visit MoreThanGrand.com or look for @morethangrand on your favorite social media.
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